02 May 2009


Every year, as I get closer to my birthday, I have a sense of mixed emotions. I'm happy because God has given me the privilege of breathing one more year of His sweet air. On the other hand, I feel old as heck. I'm turning 19 years old. Many say, "OMG, you're not old. You're still a baby!" While this is true, they forget that I have been out of high school for almost 4 years. Not to downplay any of my accomplishments at all, but honestly, I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Okay, I have a list of good things in my life, and a list of bad. The good outweighs the bad, of course, but sometimes I wish I had done things differently in my life.

They say even the best people have worst days. I feel like my life, for the past few weeks, has been travelling in a downward spiral. I'm about to get my B.A. in exactly one year. I have ideas of what I want to do as a career, but I have no idea how to do it. I've been doing research for approximately 5 months, but I cannot settle on a graduate school to which to apply. I am not sure if I want to apply for the teaching position at Buckley school or to a position as a newspaper/book/magazine editor. If I do the former, and get the job, I would get my grad school paid, but I won't have my credentials so I'll be in school once again. Honestly, as nerdy as i am, I HATE SCHOOL right now. If I do the latter, I will have to get an internship first. If I do an internship, I'll have to leave this life behind in California and go to NY for a summer or longer. If I go to NY, I have to start my entire life anew, which is a big step for which I doubt that I am ready.

I wish this downward spiral would take a brief pause so my nausea will let up.

Words && Sounds

♥ Phoenix

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